Nothing could be more fitting. As I sat down at my desk to write this blog post and turned on Pandora, the song that I walked down the aisle to came on. Almost 3.5 years ago, on a warm mid-October day, I got to meet my best friend at the end and exchange our vows. Throughout the morning, my hair stylist and bridesmaids kept commenting on how calm I was. Looking back on that day, I think of how smoothly everything played out and how our almost 2 years of planning came together as we celebrated with our family and friends. I think being calm on your wedding day, as you are taking the next step in your relationship truly says a lot about your decisions and I will always look back on our wedding day with nothing but happy memories.

Coming back to present day however, life has gotten pretty hectic. We are currently preparing for the arrival of our first baby and spending most of our “free time” working on achieving our dreams as we overwork ourselves to meet those goals. Currently, I am working full-time in the corporate marketing world and then pushing to work a few hours each evening on Enlove Occasions, plus working out and staying healthy, planning out the details of our nursery, meal prepping, and trying to find time to spend together. Life has gotten busy. Some days it feels like everything is falling apart, until we walk back into our house and come back to end the day as one unit.

As we’re coming up on Valentine’s day, I thought it would be fitting to offer-up some young marriage relationship goals. I wouldn’t necessarily call this advice, because I am definitely no expert, but we’re almost 3.5 years in, which is still not too shabby. So maybe we can call this Unqualified Relationship Advice.

Seeing as to how Kevin is also part of Enlove Occasions, I thought it might be fun and insightful to have him chime in on the key points that I came up with. You’ll see his responses in italic below!

Never stop pursuing your partner.

I personally look for ways to continue to date Kevin – to keep that young love spark in our relationship, and to show appreciation for the work that you both put in.

As long as Kevin and I have been together, from friends, to dating, our engagement, and now married, we have hardly ever hit the weekly date night goal. But, that’s okay!! While this is a fabulous goal to set, it just doesn’t always work for us. I’d say that we try to have a good night (or day) out together about once a month. Sometimes, this is as simple as going to Downtown Monroe and walking the streets, having dinner out at Chick-fil-a, or sometimes it’s dinner and a movie. Whatever works for you! It doesn’t have to be a lofty outing with an expensive dinner, unless that fits you and your partner!

Kevin: I have to note that we don’t only eat out at Chick-fil-a….it just happens to be close and they have great coupons at times. Anyways, I believe “pursuing your partner” really means to keep in mind what you did when you were trying to win them over and refining those attempts to the ones that worked. Our “date nights” get down to the basics (active listening, shared enjoyment, and dedicated time to spend with your significant other) because even though we don’t spend a whole lot of time or money on them, we want them to be as “valuable” for our relationship as possible.

Also, don’t forget to include little acts of love randomly. I make an effort to remember and at least verbally acknowledge our month-iversarys (both dating and wedding). I am not perfect, so I do have a calendar reminders in my phone that are set to remind me AND she knows they exist. Remember the saying “It’s the thought that counts”? That is so true as long as you act on it at times.

Know each other’s love language.

Shortly after Kevin and I got engaged, my brother and sister-in-law gifted us a book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, with a handwritten note in the front showing “Ephesians 5:33″. Kevin and I are so lucky to have faith-centered family around us, to help encourage us to put God in the center of our marriage and encourage us to make our relationship a priority. I remember them telling us that this book was so helpful and helped you see things differently.

Kevin and I decided to actively read the book together, which meant that on weekend road trips to our hometowns and on a birthday trip to Atlanta, we took the book with us. While Kevin would drive, I would read. This worked for us – we could both take in the thoughts and then immediately chat about it together. Since we learned what our love languages are, we have recommended this book to countless family and friends, and it really does make a fabulous engagement gift. 

Kevin: This book shared eye opening ideas and perspectives that are surprisingly relatable and extremely helpful. Basically, when you finish this book (preferably with your partner, like we did) you will understand what you can do to fill up their “love tank” with the least amount of effort. Keep in mind, everyone has a little of each love language, that’s why they are all called “love languages”, and not “a couple love languages and some other stuff”. So, don’t forget to try to fulfill each of them, which is great for those times when you need to change things up, but do focus on the ones that are the most effective at showcasing your love for them.

Always show your appreciation.

Coincidentally, a few of the remaining items in my list came about from learning what our love languages are, but this may come from being located in the South also. I always make it a point to let someone know how much they have helped me and to say thank you freely. This isn’t always from a radical action, but something as simple as making the bed, getting the mail out of the mailbox – or in particular, picking up the socks that I tend to leave around the house 🙂. Showing your appreciation to someone can change the course of their day and lets them know that you have acknowledged their actions.

Kevin: It does feel great to receive a meaningful thank you, especially for those tasks that I did without being asked or “bragging” about. I make an effort to say thank you for something Chelsea has done at least a couple times per week. This task forces me to sit back and really think about what around the house, our relationship, and our life would not have been completed if it wasn’t for her. No one in a relationship is able to do everything on their own and be happy, at least for long periods of time, so if you ever have a smile on your face while you are with your significant other, you have something to thank them for.

Always hold hands!

Before Kevin and I bought our house, we lived in an apartment on the third floor. Each morning, as we were heading into the office, we would hold hands as we walked down the steps. I’m not sure how this started, but it became part of our routine. Now that we live in our house, no longer carpool, and have a pretty hectic morning routine, we no longer take part in this little ritual. So in turn, we try to make a point to hold hands as we walk from the car into the grocery store or walk through the aisles. The only time I tend to keep my hands in my pockets, are when it’s freezing and raining, which was most of our trip to Iceland (and which Kevin “reminds” me of ALL the time!)

Kevin: I think this started because she is afraid of heights and didn’t like that you could see through the steps (unlike stairs within your typical home), so when we moved into our third floor apartment she requested me to hold on to her once or twice. After that, I made an effort to always help her to make her feel safer and have a little less stress to start off her mornings.

On that note – travel together.

Being able to get out of your element and to feel a little vulnerable together is important. Traveling internationally especially does this, while there may be a language barrier and/or travel issues, being in a new country will help you rely on one another. Plus, you get to take in an entirely new scene with the person you love by your side.

While taking a week long trip to Iceland was a luxury for us, taking small day-trips is also important. We conveniently live right below Charlotte, NC, which gives us a huge advantage for day trips. We love to drive down to the coast for an afternoon on the beach or driving to the mountains for a hike. Just breaking out of your normal day-to-day cycle together, can help rekindle some of the feelings that you may miss while you’re wrapped up in your daily routine’s.

Kevin: We are both introverts, so traveling, or any outdoor activity, is actually something we kind of have to psych ourselves up for, not something that we do just willy-nilly. So as a result, we typically plan things out well in advance. We aim to have a vacation for our wedding anniversary each year. Because we are not super fancy, we try to alternate between domestic and international destinations. Internationally we have been to St. Lucia and Iceland (both are amazing!), but domestically we have been to Charleston and nowhere (we decided to stay home and make some home updates together instead of going somewhere in 2017. It was fun to make changes to our every day destination together).

Talk to one another.

I’m not sure how often most couples text one another, but Kevin and I are probably pretty high in those number charts. We text multiple times throughout the day – to check in, to talk about plans, and honestly, just to talk. Before we began our relationship, we were best friends throughout college, so maybe it started there for us. He is the one person that I always text with anything I want to talk about.

This goes a little deeper than a normal day-to-day conversation though, you also have to be willing to talk about the hard topics – you know, the ones that you would rather avoid. Anytime one of these subjects come up, I would rather face it head-on and talk it out. We’ll sit down and actually put aside everything else to clear the air.

Kevin: Have you ever heard of the 80-20 rule? It means 20% of your efforts create 80% of your results. When it comes to communicating, there is a different rule. This rule is the 90-10 rule, meaning that when you are communicating 90% of the time is spent actively listening and 10% is spent talking. I try to implement this rule into all of my conversations, not just with my wife, because I aim to understand the perspective of the person I am listening to rather than push my objectives. Also, “actively listening” means that you are hearing what they are saying, word for word, and not formulating your response until they have completed their train of thought. If you start working on a response in your head while they are talking you have stopped retaining what they have said and it is now going in one ear and out the other.

You also have to keep in mind conversations are not always pleasant. When you start implementing this rule into your conversations, you will begin to notice that silence after someone finishes talking should be normal. If there is no silence, then you didn’t take enough time to formulate your thoughts before talking. You always need to think through your response BEFORE you say it out loud, because words do hurt and are not able to be taken back.

Be their CEO!

Something that is so important to Kevin and I is to be each others CEO, or Chief Encouragement Officer. I want to support and push him in every way he needs, and even in those ways that he sometime’s doesn’t want to hear. If you aren’t pushing your S.O. to succeed, then who is? I want my husband to be successful in life, in every aspect, and I would like to think that if he were up giving a speech one day, that he would thank me for pushing him to succeed and for supporting him through it all.

Kevin: It does help that we are both in the same line of business, so that allows us the unique opportunity for us to understand, advise, and even help each other with business tasks. This allows us to go to a different level than most other couples when it comes to supporting and encouraging.

 

Chelsea and I have discussed our life goals for ourselves and our family and understand our active efforts to make those goals achievable. That helps us to understand why we are doing what we do, and even better in my opinion, that allows our partner to observe us from a perspective that can recognize when we are wavering from the goals and help us to re-align ourselves to what we want to achieve.

 

It also doesn’t hurt to give your partner a quick thank you speech from time to time like you have won some crazy cool award. In my opinion, I have won the award of the luckiest man on Earth and she is the trophy. An award that pushes me to be a better man, a better friend, a better husband, and a soon-to-be better father. I aim to return the favor to her each and every day because I know I wouldn’t be where I am today without her.

While I know there isn’t a one-size-fits-all guide to relationships, my hope is that these points will help you see your relationship in a new light and maybe even try something new. We’re in no way experts and would absolutely love to hear your feedback. Please leave your favorite tip that you have heard or learned in the comments below. If you happen to be in the Charlotte area and have a favorite local date spot, we’d especially love to hear those!